Lessons in Love

 January 20, 2024


How silly of me 

to forget that I am 

the love of my life.  


One of the hardest lessons in love that I’ve had to learn is to let go. To let them leave when they showed me that they wanted to, or when they didn’t know if they wanted to stay. Over and over, time and time again, I have found myself begging anxiously for someone to stay. This of course is never said out loud, but is done so silently as I wait for them to ask me out again or reach out. The anxious attachment would refuse to give up on a connection that I felt strongly about. Yet, when the other person was no longer interested, instead of letting them go I clung to the wish that maybe one day they’d change their mind and come back to me. 

Manipulation, control.. changing who I was out of fear and anxiety just so someone would like me?  An anxious attachment from early years of trauma and emotional neglect, coupled with being raised in a religious cult, created someone who lacked the divine knowledge that they are loved intrinsically, no matter what and for who they were, exactly as they were.

 I am loved, I am enough and valuable as I am. 

It always starts the same. I find an incredible guy who I can easily envision a future with. He has the whole package. There’s passion, chemistry, good conversation, and things are great for a few weeks. Then his communication dies down- he’s busy, has stuff going on that he needs to focus on, he's going through a ‘tough time’. This causes me to anxiously reach out, instigate or invite first, and step into a wounded masculine energy. This repels him. He’s gone, just like that. He makes excuses, that make sense to me and play on my empathic nature. I believe his words instead of the actions which are clearly saying that he’s no longer interested. 

Unfortunately, I’ve already slept with them. Is that all he was looking for? Some say yes. I am tied to them energetically now, which makes it difficult for me to shake them off. It takes months. It used to take me years to accept and move on. Seriously, I was caught up with my first love for 4 years before we started dating. In college I dated my closest friend on and off for 2 years and, other boyfriends were on and off for months after we initially broke up because of the codependent need for familiar connection. 

I play out fantasies that feed this delusion that we’re “meant to be”. I am now delusional and anxiously pining for a man who is doing his best to let me down gently.

After years of this cycle and facing unnecessary heartbreak I started to learn, and respect. I no longer placed men on a pedestal too early. I held off on intimacy as to protect my energy until I knew it was safe. I began to love myself, take care of myself, and talk to myself kindly. I forgave myself for being naive in love in the past. I let go of shame and embarrassment- it no longer had a place within me, the past was done and nothing could change the things I had done and said. 

I am love. I get to experience love deeply, and I get to experience how the universe loves another person. To love and be loved in return however, is another thing entirely. 



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