Fun Facts

 Here’s some fun facts about me. I am a loner, always have been, always will be. I have somewhere around 2-3 close friends at any given time, and am very quiet in social situations. Human nature does force me to seek connection, but unfortunately I have a very bad track record of making, maintaining, and keeping relationships. I think it stems from me just wanting my own space. It does make me sad. 

Fortunately, I thrive at work. My manager status makes it easy for me to be confident enough to engage and meet everyone that I work with. Depending on the day I can also be very friendly with strangers, but only if my mood allows it.

 I would love to be anything but this. Having these characteristics makes life very challenging, as any loner would attest to. We want human connection, we want love, we need friendship. When those things don’t come naturally to you it can be very damaging on mental health. 

I recently read some of my childhood journals, where it was clear to me now that I had undiagnosed ADHD, OCD, and anxiety which led to erratic and controlling behavior that drove people away from me. My parents did not know how to attend to my behavior and as a result I was severely traumatized with their punishment. My own mother told me I was not welcome at the dinner table. 

Side note: I have a sensory processing disorder, and severe misophonia which makes being around unwanted or unpleasant noise unbearable for me.

 On top of this I was being bullied at school, and my best friend ditched me. I understand that childhood friends grow up and grow apart, but when you have had the same situation repeat itself over and over and you still don’t know how to learn the life lesson, it is very difficult to want to make an effort anymore. My high school best friend and my best friend in college both left me after a few years of friendship. Like I have 3 saved goodbye notes from them when they told me they could no longer be my friend. I’m sorry, but that just destroys you. 

I am extremely aware of who I am, and have come to the somber peace that I may in fact be lonely for the rest of my life. I date a lot, I have a lot of friends, yet I do not have companionship like “normal” extroverted people. Seeing friendship groups blossom around me and never being invited in is very hard. My mom told me that if I wasn’t being invited anywhere, I had to invite people myself. I was successful in leading a group of church friends throughout high school, but that was filled with so much drama and heartache that I never wanted to do it again. Of course I want to, but I have learned I have to be very selective with the people I choose to surround myself with because I am sensitive and twisted. My social energy battery lasts about an hour long before I need to decompress. My work is sensory overload central, and I use up all my energy there that by the time I get home I am silent.

 My drug use started as a way to ease social tension and relieve my brain. It got to the point where I could not do anything social or productive without getting high. Overtime my identity had detached itself from who I was and was now centered on who I could be when I was high. Translating this new personality over to a sober life has proven to be difficult but not impossible. I have to control my every thought, word, and action. 

I have spent the last year or so re-wiring my brain, letting go of old thought processes and neural pathways. I have done this with my childhood and religious trauma, as well as many. existential crisis. 

Over time you wonder why you are the way you are and what purpose you serve. I understand a few of my lots in life, and am grateful for the opportunity to be a teacher to others. Unfortunately when you choose to be an instrument in this life, you are plagued with a myriad of difficulties that you must get through in order to serve.

 From a very young age I have vocalized that I do not want this path. I didn’t know that until I read my old journals. It was painful for me to connect with my inner child and provide her comfort and love. 

She is still confused, but I was able to release her from her pain and understand her situation a little better. It makes me a great listener, and I can empathize with those who need compassion. 

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