An Ode to Musical Theater

 February 15, 2021

THIS MAKES ME VERY EMOTIONAL

FOR 20 YEARS THIS WAS WHO I THOUGHT I WAS, AND  I DIDN’T KNOW MYSELF OUTSIDE OF MUSIC AND CHOIR AND THEATER. 

I’VE DISAPPEARED FROM THIS SIDE OF THE WORLD AND THIS SIDE OF MYSELF FOR A VERY LONG TIME; 

HEALING, DISCOVERING, AND  LEARNING WHAT LIFE WAS OUTSIDE OF IT. I HAD TO DISCONNECT BC MY BRAIN WAS BECOMING SO TOXIC  TOWARDS MYSELF THAT MY ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND OCD HIT AN ALL TIME LOW. IT’S OKAY TO TAKE BREAKS FOR YOURSELF EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT DON’T LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT YOU LOVE. OF WHAT MAKES YOU, YOU. COVID WAS A WELCOME RELIEF FOR ME BC EVERYTIME I PASSED UP AN AUDITION I WAS FILLED WITH SHAME AND GUILT FOR NOT USING MY TALENTS. THIS TIME CREATED A LOT OF HEALING AND I’M READY TO AT LEAST ATTEND SHOWS. 

I’M HEARTBROKEN THAT THEATER BECAME A TOXIC PLACE FOR ME. EVEN WHEN I WENT TO SHOWS MY DIRECTOR /CRITIC BRAIN WOULD NOT SHUT OFF AND I WOULD SPEND THE ENTIRE SHOW FINDING FLAWS INSTEAD OF BEING INSPIRED. MY MIND WOULD THINK “i wish i could do that, why can’t i sing like them?” AND INSTEAD OF BEING PROUD OF OTHERS SUCCESSES, ALL I COULD SEE WERE MY OWN FAILURES. I’M HEARTBROKEN THAT I MISSED A FEW YEARS OF SEEING REALT EXCELLENT PRODUCTIONS. I THINK THAT HAD I GONE REGULARLY TO SHOWS I WOULD HAVE KEPT THE SAME ZEST AND PASSION FOR IT. 

Re-inserting a  musical practice into my life after years of laying dormant has proved to be very difficult. I find myself watching TV shows and film more often, because it is easier for me to critique them without inserting myself. I am a critic, hands down. One of my gifts is recognizing talent- this is the part of the arts that I’ve been able to hone in on since my departure from the scene, and I can see myself enjoying this role for a very long time. I may never be on a stage again, or at least not for a while. My health has become a major priority as it’s continued to decline and destabilize after a decades worth of physical and mental abuse that happened while I was studying musical theater. 

Learning an instrument is hard. It’s takes serious discipline. I practiced the flute since 4th grade, and then followed in my sisters footsteps to learn voice and the performing arts. Suddenly my independent nature was placed in a vulnerable state. Acting against my nature placed me in a constant state of anxiety which had detrimental effects. I tried my best to preserve my faculties and energies but I was ostracized for it in the community- at least that was my perception. I had a hard time socializing and being a “team player”- especially in ensembles. Musical theater is a very social sport, and I could not keep up with the demands of it. I was officially burnt out. 

When I walked away from a show mid rehearsal process (only had gotten thru Act 1), I felt immense relief. I tried to audition for main roles a little bit after that, but my expectations for myself that I was only a leading lady and not a chorus member got in the way. That was my conditioning from a very early age. I had been first chair flutist and lead soprano since elementary school. My ego only knew how to be the best, even after college courses tried to beat that idea out of me. I had landed bigger roles in most of the shows I auditioned for, so I believed I was better than the ensemble. How tragic. To put myself on a pedestal above those who worked WAY harder than I did, above those who were driven by passion and a desire to tell stories… my brain was telling me a painful narrative that isolated myself for a very long time. This narrative still tells me I’m not good enough, I don’t have the energy to do the work, and that people in the performing community don’t like me. 

I battle with this narrative daily. It gets to the point where I can no longer function at a “normal” level. I’ve moved my focus completely to my mental health and my career. Extracurriculars have taken a backseat for a long time, and I’ve only recently reintroduced flute back into my life. It’s hard to find the time to practice because I have a weakness for lethargic activities that don’t take a lot of mental energy. In turn, my mental faculties are rapidly declining. My memory is weak and cannot retain information as well as it used to. I was constantly memorizing music and scripts and without that practice and the introduction of drugs, the decline makes me feel very vulnerable and weak.