Ego Death

November 30, 2022

A lot can happen and change over the course of a year and a half. This blog came in the midst of challenging yet necessary life events that have formed me into who I am today. I am grateful for my journey, and would feel selfish if I kept the lessons I’ve learned to myself. 

Ego death is generally defined as a complete loss of subjective self-identity. It’s a fundamental transformation of the psyche. Layers of your brain and what you thought you knew, being peeled back to expose raw nerve endings that require complete deletion, or rebuilding. Think of your entire belief system as a brick wall, and slowly bricks are falling out over time: beliefs about who you are, your purpose, where you came from and where you’re going, what is heaven and what is death, beliefs formed over time from religious and societal conditioning, etc.. An ego death may occur when building blocks of your identity fall. There may be one or two that are monumental in your journey of self discovery, and there may be small shifts that happen over time. I have had a handful of deeply intense ego deaths that shook my consciousness to the point where I questioned my existence. I had to make the conscious effort to choose life; choose this human body, and choose the kind of life I wanted to live. After seeing death, I chose life. I continue to choose life, and know that when I experience these feelings again, that they will pass and I can work myself through it. This stuff is wack yo, and it’s not for the faint of heart or for everyone. You may already know deep within you, who you are and why you’re here. If you have found peace and a solid foundation in the life you lead today I am so happy for you. Please continue to shine your light on others! I just didn’t really like my experience so I wanted to change it. 

For anyone going through mental illness, addiction, trauma release, a spiritual shift, or an identity crisis; I want to validate you. Your experience is REAL. The human experience is a beautiful storm of emotions. We came here in fact, to experience these emotions through a physical human body, which is pretty amazing if you ask me. I was controlled by my human (carnal) state for a LONG time. I still am, it’s been a constant effort. But I know i can overcome. 

The kind of growth and enlightenment that I seek does not happen overnight, but over the course of years. As a double earth sign (taurus+Capricorn), and a double fixed sign (taurus+Leo), I am deeply grounded in my habits and the energies around me.  If you are familiar with these signs, the bull (taurus) within me is stubborn- meaning I have to figure it out for myself. There are so many lessons that I’ve learned over the years, but have not fully understood deeply until I experienced them first hand.

 I remember vividly in my teens, that I knew that I wanted to find these things out for myself. Unfortunately, I had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way because of my stubbornness. I knew certain things were not good for me, yet I kept doing them. I believe in karma, and I have been through many cycles of the same lesson. I can attest that the lesson will get more challenging over time if you do not learn from it and make changes. These changes come for me slowly and randomly, but when it finally clicks, and you do the work to rewire your neural processing that has been conditioned to behave and think a certain way… things will change. You will realize that you have grown, and I hope you express gratitude. Gratitude for your self for getting me through it, and for finally understanding the thing that pained you for so long.

For a long time, I was so focused on healing myself that I did not know who to become. This kind of limbo can be scary and dark at times. When I developed panic attacks and started dissociating the summer of 2021, I truly felt like I had hit rock bottom. I had finally broken my brain. Luckily, rebuilding your self, finding meaning in a faith and spiritual practice that resonates with you, and healing your physical body can heal you. As I slowly rebuilt my self over the past few years, my struggles with mental illness have almost ceased. My mental illness was a symptom, and the closer I became with my own inner divine purpose, I feel like I have been made whole. I am so grateful to have experienced the deepest, darkest thoughts and painful emotions as it has given me insight, empathy, and has filled me with love for my fellow humans.

After years of pain, heartbreak, physical and mental illness, face-offs with death and the devil himself, I have developed a firm testimony in certain life lessons. 

1. You can overcome your carnal nature and desires of the human flesh. This includes mental illness, addiction to substances, health complications, etc.. it takes patience and self discipline. TRUST YOUR PROCESS. There are certain things about my body that may never be 100% healthy again. But that’s OK. I am grateful for modern medicine, and I know that the combination of eastern and western medicine can provide restorative health. Ultimately, the goal is to not have to rely on medicine… but life is so much easier with it. If I have to take certain prescriptions and supplements for the rest of my life, in order to maintain homeostasis within my body, that is OK. We need it in this day and age.
2. The word of wisdom, inspired by the lds prophet Joseph Smith has incredible health benefits. I won’t share my full opinion of the man, but I do think that it’s a pretty smart deal. Following a healthy routine that keeps your body and mind in its peak physical condition, opens up all your energies to source. Your body is a precious tool, and you CAN come back from the abuse you’ve put it through. Every body type is unique. Please work with your doctor or whoever to find a diet that works best for your blood type, genetics, and health goals. My body does not react well to alcohol, but not everybody is sensitive to that. The entire message is about moderation in all things, and keeping your body clean so you can receive inspiration and guidance from your higher self.
3. I spent 6 ish years playing around with pharmaceuticals in attempts to heal or gain control of my mental faculties. I was diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar), generalized anxiety disorder and eventually panic attack disorder, dissociative identity disorder, misophonia, and anorexia nervosa. It’s like god said “hey try to work through this maze, but nothing will help it entirely.” Lol… cool. I also believe they did not work for me entirely, because I was not doing the inner work at the same time. It wasn’t until I started addressing the darkness within that I started to find relief. Go to therapy, it’s much faster. If you’re like me, and only did therapy for a little bit, and most of the work by yourself… Trust me when I tell you, you can really speed up the process if you just go to therapy.
4. The path of psychedelics, THC, and magic mushrooms changed my life and was the only form of medicine that helped me through those difficult years. There were many times where I abused their power because I became addicted to the person I became while high. Once the high no longer served my energy or my body, it began to have negative effects. This did NOT help my heart condition or auto immune function, and is a course I recommend very lightly. Please do what is best for you and listen to your body. It took one final trip down the rabbit hole, one that messed me up a little physically inside, for me to finally know with firmness that it was time for me to say goodbye to these natural medicines. I never say, never, and hope to incorporate them back into my life in the future, as I feel like they really do open the crown chakra and can provide incredible insight and healing if used properly. 
5. I’m sober today. It’s been 1 month, and I feel great. I’m working on my daily routine still and am finally seeing results. Be patient with your self discipline journey- things will click in time.