Fight v Flight

May 20, 2022


You know what I just realized- or at least finally clicked for me, is that I’ve been in flight my entire life, and you’ve spent yours in fight.. 




“I survived- and you can too” 

^ title pending 


My mind plays tricks on itself. Each new main character moment I have I can’t tell if it’s part of my real personality or something I conjured up, only to scrutinize for hours later on and dissect into nothingness.



I have literally thousands of thoughts daily, 

constantly, all day long it can truly be exhausting. I didn’t find peace until I found Lorelei Gilmore. I could only dream of being that witty when talking to actual people, but I am fond of my own chatter no matter how obnoxious it can be. It has probably been like this my entire life, and I wish I could remember all the cool things I think of. I just know that from a young age I’ve had to get it.. out. On paper- on something. If i can get it out of my head then I create an opportunity to build and create upon a thought, instead of letting it wallow and drown. That happens too, and those moments can be quite dark. It’s a double edged sword- my brain. 


My rough drafts got me through high school. I am exceedingly grateful for my conservative upbringing that granted me the access to regular book smarts that i used to coast through my education. Big fan of Run-on, incomplete sentences and poor grammar. I was always a first draft type of girl. I imagine myself in another universe where I actually studied. Perhaps I could have gotten better scholarships or more approval from my “inner voice” that was constantly reminding me that I was not living up to my potential in the slightest. Being constantly lied to by society is great until you actually leave it. 


Find a culture you like, there’s literally millions. Just cause you were born into one doesn’t mean you have to like it. Unless you think it’s important to connect with your progenitors and shit… if that’s you then cool, I’m really happy for you I think you should really get into it. 


I knew my sacral chakra was starting to heal when the color orange started showing up in my life and my house. I was welcoming color back into my life at a rapid pace and it fills my soul with joy. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

February 5, 2022

 I love film.  I love movies, I love watching tv, and i can scroll through Tik Tok for hours. I didn’t really watch TV until I was 8sh. Whatever age third or fourth grade is. We didn’t realize it at the time, but by the time my younger sister and I were old enough to be left alone we would watch tv after school. We figured nobody knew since our older sisters were usually practicing the piano below and my mom, who had started to undergo monthly transfusions would be taking a nap on the family room couch. She was always sleeping on the couch, at time without any sort of blanket or covering (aka the power naps while dinner is cooking).  My mom. That’s a story for another day. Back to tv. My sister is 5 years younger than me, and since she was one of the only friends I had, I ended up watching animated kids tv; not the cool kind, the PBS channel. Arthur started at 3-4pm. We had early release school on Tuesdays and/or Thursdays, so if we got there in time there was Sagwa at 23...
Read more

Divine Union of Self

 January 28, 2023  Divine union of self Light and anxiety surrendered into pain of heartache and healing, and the uncertainty and uncomfortability of my external situation.  I am taking power from the dark side. The dark divine feminine is strong within me. The dark respects me, and I it. The light within learnt self love and pardoned from anxious attachment, stepping up to her worth and creating boundaries. The divine self itself is the medium of light and dark (enter black back tats and warrior body to connect with the earth, dreads). She’s comfortable in discomfort. She trusts herself for only her has gone through each of the moments in my life that broke me. She was there. May she join hands with her sister- the twin flame was within me all along.  Divine union really means you are one with your higher self. Twin flames refer to the dark and light, the energetic pulls of masculine & feminine- the inevitable duality of the human existence. When there is a bala...
Read more

March 1, 2020

  I’m very tired. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of people telling me it’ll get better, that I’m loved... it’s beating a dead horse at this point. I need someone to wake me up and teach me mechanisms and teach me how to love myself.   Sometimes I wonder if the life I’ve been building for myself in my head since i was little, is not actually meant to be for me. It’s a new level of breakdown when you realize you are nothing like you thought you were, and you have to rediscover yourself all over again. To recognize that you’ve been propelling your life towards something that is nothing BUT a dream, is earth shattering. Your sense of self worth obliterated, your self esteem and personal motivation gone, and your ability to do anything outside of your inner child’s comfort zone becomes crippling. Only few understand the heartbreak that is redefining yourself. 
Read more