January 27, 2023

I felt something with you, it could have been the anxious attachment  chasing after an emotionally unavailable person, but the feelings were there regardless. I hadn’t felt chemistry like that in a long time, and I remember making out with you for the first time watching elf, and thinking that I wanted that moment to last forever- it felt so good. I wanted to feel that again and so i pursued. And then you were gone for a few weeks… i understood why you weren’t responding back then, but then you came back and the conversation lagged.. i was sad that i didn’t feel pursued anymore, so i pushed for it- seeking validation. You avoided, i was anxious. You made excuses, blamed yourself, pulled away, didn’t know how to move forward with me, ghosted, and then responded to my little stoner calls. You were bread crumming me. In the beginning i said i was afraid to get hurt, and you said that if you get hurt then you’re stoked because it meant that you felt something. Weird flex but okay. You hurt me. My feelings for you hurt me. I hurt myself by pursuing a connection that i thought was special. It made me reflect on myself, seriously. It created a domino effect that led to more pain as i unraveled my past trauma and wounds that led me to who i am and why i operate the way i do. For that I’m grateful. It was a final heartbreak that led to an ultimate healing of self. I will never fall for that again. Thank you for being the final heartbreak that will lead to… something better.




And i know being sad is an important part of the process, but it makes me feel jaded and raw and sad that when i do feel things again that i may not be able to trust them… it’s like this amount of heartbreak over and over again, it’s like we’ll always deal with this. Forever. Like this is now my normal, and as much as i want to experience a deep love, i know it’s going to involve a lot of pain and rebuilding trust.. and idk if i want to experience that again. The rose glasses that are love, they’re off and the magic is gone. People are just people now. The power that men used to have over me is gone, like the whole thing is just sad to me now. 

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