July 16, 2022

 



I am realizing now where Her and I are starting to differ. 


I want to change my entire life experience. I want a drastic shift. 


I want to become someone else. I want to be in a place that allows me to be the highest version of myself. Why should I put myself through suffering and dim futures when I could create an alternate reality for myself. Not create, but shift into. Into the island life. The nomadic life. Not all homestead, I like modern technology and things. But I want to become someone else. 


I am beginning to understand what it took for Her to completely convert her life; a cross country move, her eventual conversion to the LDS church, which then brought her intense darkness in the form of a malicious husband, to her physical trauma that led her to lead a life of servitude to God. It was at this point in our friendship that I started to see a life of my own beyond where She could follow. I am presented with the opportunity to heal past wounds of relational abandonment. I can choose to maintain a healthy friendship whilst abiding by our individual boundaries. 


I placed myself in Her shoes, and had compassion on myself. I can be a respectful friend and honor who She has chosen to be. We don’t have to go separate ways, like it’s been for me in the past. I can maintain healthy relationships with others in respect for their individuality. Namaste- I bow to the divine in you. 


Is the pursuit of godliness a selfish pursuit? Is it a lonely way of life? 

I want to be proud of myself. Being close to God doesn’t mean you have to live a certain lifestyle. God is love, and love is my religion. 


I don’t want to withhold the feeling of love from anyone. I want to seek love, adventure, and a new destiny for myself. 


I work out often. I eat healthily. I am connected with the divine feminine. I live somewhere adventurous and exotic

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