Karma

May 11, 2022


My karmic retribution is hitting hard for me right now. My ex has a new girlfriend already. She made it insta official, and he wasn’t talking with her while we still lived together. I’d say, going insta official 2 months into getting to know eachother sounds pretty serious. You bet he found a nice church girl that is “a good fit for [him].”- direct quote from Him.



Release him. Why can’t i release him? Is it because I like to control my existence, and in doing so control others so their experience is what i want it to be? God, I’m fucked. 


I’m pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder. I get… insecure (to put it nicely). I get obsessive, controlling, manipulative, etc.; all under the guise of a socially correct, trained actor who created alter egos so I could hide all the shot underneath. I am toxic. And i hyper fixate on one at a time- making it difficult for myself to enjoy full friendships with other people, as well as tarnishing my dating life. As far as love goes, I will have already created our fantasy before we start talking. So people inside my circle did not feel understood, even tho I felt Like I could understand them completely. I was a weird, clingy child. 


Except I have not been aware of this until now. I was exhibiting symptoms of codependent behaviors, narcissism/OCD, and bipolar disorder. 


I feel like I have been consistently abandoned my entire life. I felt this way so deeply that I would not even let people get close. Those who did- I latched on to them, relying on them to validate my experience and fill in the missing pieces of my heart. 


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201708/10-reasons-why-some-people-cannot-let-go-ex


I can feel dark and twisted quickly, and it can last for a long time. I go through phases of how I treat myself, love myself, and talk to myself. My sense of self worth is more often than not, deplorable. 


You may have lived in fear of being abandoned if you did not please your parent or caregiver.


Even though this situation was not deliberate by your the parent, it may have felt like you had been abandoned. If everyone in the family was focused on the ill person, your emotional needs and fears may not have been addressed.


If you grew up under these conditions you may not handle separation well, as you expect to be abandoned. That pending abandonment feeling can be fueled by very subtle things, like your partner being distracted or non-attentive. When in relationships, there is a pervasive feeling and belief that the other person will eventually be gone. These trust issues tend to hang on for life if not addressed.


All rooted in FEAR. 


For other children, abandonment takes the form of emotional neglect and abuse when parents do not give to their children emotional conditions and environments that are necessary for their healthy development.

The child is left feeling inadequate, rejected, and damaged, needing to hide themselves away from others knowing who they are on the inside. Abandoned children are left believing it is not okay to make mistakes, that it is not okay to show their genuine emotions, that they should not have needs, and that it is not okay to not be successful. For someone who lacks self-esteem due to childhood abandonment, the fear of being abandoned again becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as their clinginess, and other negative behaviors tend to push away potential life partners and friends.


He didn’t even acknowledge my fear of abandonment. 


Reason based on emotions not logic.




He is already in love with a girl from church. I keep hurting myself by looking at them on Instagram. I don’t know what emotions I’m feeling but I’m crying and i feel angry inside. I want to lash out at them, text him, stalk her… assert control or threaten them. Because seeing him happy and in love less than two months after moving out instills the belief that he has moved on. Of course he said he’s grateful for me and he’s happy now and we did the right thing. I know we did but why do i feel like i still “own” him? Jealousy. 


I have a long history of failed relationships. Idk what is trauma at this point, or what’s just normal experience and BPD reactivity. 






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