Reckless Abandonment

 March 13, 2023

When i used substances I found myself entering a certain experience, wherein I identified as a mentally unstable person. I was able to unravel my existence by way of deductive reasoning. I knew that if I were to continue to use drugs to access this level of consciousness, it would lead to my undoing. I had reached a balancing point wherein lay two very distinct paths: life or death. I have experienced chronic suicidal ideation, deeply rooted in a childhood of fearing death for her immediate kin. In order to heal, I had to let her go. I had to drastically make shifts in my appearance and lifestyle to feel more connected with my higher self. Reoccurring dreams and the ability to exist within them consciously (aka lucid dreaming) was a toxic skill that bled into my daily life, filling me with a euphoric hit of identity crisis. I was a wild soul trapped in a very difficult human experience. I reflected on the life I have lived through so far, and moved on to my next. 

I used to think that the way to get to your new identity was to end yours. I joked too often that “I’ll do that in my next life”, basically depriving myself from a life filled with joy. The moment I refused to live the way I was, I was filled with the hope that this was possible. I was able to process a lifetimes worth of trauma in a matter of years, and it double timed right before I entered the new life. I’m in the precipice as I write this, fully trusting that the universe would deliver. I surrendered and got lazy, taking one blind step after another. The path was revealed to me one step at a time, which made me finally understand why this journey was difficult. I was trekking a brand new path, in a thick forest. I am the ONLY consciousness to experience Rachelle, and I want to test myself by taking the path of least resistance and following my intuition. I realized that the reoccurring vision of a certain woman in my dreams, was in fact a version of my higher self, and an identity that I longed to embody. Could I actually have dreamt myself, or am I just attaching meaning to something else as a way to avoid doing the work myself to find out? As someone who’s experienced depersonalization, I crave to be rid of this knowledge. The pathway through the mind is dark and challenging to overcome. In order to accept life, I had to accept death. As above, so below. I cIung to this mental illness as a protection; as an excuse to live in this kind of life because secretly I was a masochist. I was addicted. I have voiced to various connections that “I would very much like this to end”. 

This reckless abandonment of self was displayed on the screen of my life, showing up in odd behaviors that separated me from a world of healthy connection. I was jaded. 

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