Mania

 March 14, 2023


Rapid cycling brought on by altered sleep schedule, staying up late, and substance use. The flipping comes on quickly and without much prompting. Irritability and anger was quickly brought on by simple roadblocks that would not necessarily trigger me if I were happy. 


Many people think of mania as heightened emotions, or being extra happy. My mania can be a period of joy, but is most often a dangerous tipping point. I find myself on edge- irritable, and angsty. But I’m also laughing and speaking rapidly as I socialize in ways I normally dont. Substance use during this kind of state can be dangerous, as it often leads to panic attacks, depersonalization and dissociation, and reckless behavior. I forgo morals, boundaries, and carry a “fuck it” attitude. This has led to the destruction of relationships and job loss. Substance use is pointless at this phase as it enhances the ability to enlist myself in self destructive behaviors. I am very good at blatantly breaking my own rules. Boundaries and discipline go out the window, making it more difficult to keep them up during periods of “normalcy”. The trust with self is often destroyed in a selfishly kinky way, almost getting off on being on the dark side. 


Mania came right after an extended depressive episode. I had lost all energy and will, masking in my interactions which required extra rest time to recover from. My healthy routine that I had maintained for well over a month was broken, leading to weight gain, unfollowed diet, and i stopped exercising. 


Addiction, disguised as medicine, trapped me in a mentally unstable condition. I was aware of the hold it had on me, yet relied on it to bring me out of certain emotions. I was unstable without it as well. I had no control over my life. Step 1 in recovery is recognizing that you have no control. 

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