You Know What? Talks on God

 February 5, 2022

           What if I just chose to have a very interesting life. Let’s say that the “pre-existence” or “previous lives” were a true thing. One thing people often forget about Mormons, or at least don’t understand is that they are taught from a very young age to believe in a pre-existence. It’s called the Plan of Salvation. Thinking about it makes me shudder a little. That belief was unfortunately easy to undo once I peeled off other major layers. I would say I have spent the last 6 years going through major mental and spiritual opposition. Luckily I had already gone through the “PG rated” levels of other so-called diagnoses. Why does everything have to be diagnosed? Aren’t we all continually evolving? Moving on. 

     My spiritual and religious transition was a blur of years. I also had mental and emotional crises during that decade, and oh did I forget to mention that I’m doing this ALONE?  I have had many life guides, acquaintances, short term relationships or friends to help me get by. They were mostly visitors in my world, and I was consistently non-committal. It’s almost as if I recycle my human surroundings frequently enough to live lots of lives but never settling in my own? If I did get to choose this life, why the FUCK did I say,

          Hmmm, “I’d like to go with the mental and emotional package, leave out the Big T, and make it somewhat comfortable.” If you know you know. It’s like I planned an adrenaline trip. As if i came from a darker place and I wanted to remember it- codependent on its mysterious comfort that provided me a sense of invisible connection. On the flip side, I could have been a total angel that was too scared to go all the way down so I decide to just get the occasional creep fix. Talk about a celestial being trapped in the telestial world, eh? 😉 

          Jesus experienced the celestial and became a celestial being on this Earth. He did so by living his life a certain way. He taught us how to do it, through allegories and parables. Most likely because we weren’t able to process the real thing, because the celestial is not tangible. But you can feel it, experience it, connect to it, use it as a resource… some lucky few are able to see it and hear it as well, but we dont always trust those as truth. Truth is also an individual experience, but when a large percentage of humans agree with you, you start to believe it. Don’t forget that this is your personal reality, you can’t change it too much but you sure can choose your own adventure. 

          I don’t consider myself an atheist, and although I have a hard time believing in God, I can also recognize all the other Gods, higher beings, or whatever you want to call “IT”. It only deserves the double capitals because I like the Stephen King story- it’s a classic and it truly freaks me out. Ancient Egyptians, the Asian Empire, the African tribes, Islanders in every major ocean… this thing is obviously legit if humans have been documenting it since the beginning of time. I cannot dispute that, and I will continue to learn about it as much as I can. I’m in the “I am the universe, the universe is me” hippie phase. I am very interested in the multiple Gods thing tho. Not convinced, but the more I learn about human history- we’re very fascinating by the way- types and shadows litter history with proven warnings. Don’t try to control each other. You can try to convert others as much as possible, but you must understand that your conscious life experience is very unique. (Lemme tell you about the first panic attack I had when I realized what consciousness was and it freaked me the fuck out- I was so young I literally could not process it so I latched onto something else.)

I know that a million different cultures created a belief system about the “unknown” over millennia. I got to learn one of the cool ones. So cool that it only lasted a meer 250ish years because the religious aspect was weird as fuck. I know the LDS church has only been around for 202 years (it’s currently 2022), but that is my wild guesstimate of how long it will take for the Mormons to die out. It’s already changed it’s rules rapidly in comparison to more historic religions like Catholicism, Islam, and Hinduism to name a few. Christianity took over the New World when Jesus Christ took ancient practices and evolved them into a new brief system. That’s right, a system. Bodily systems are complex and that’s the best metaphor I can think of right now. He was able to connect to a different group of people that were nearly separated from ancient cultures. Separated only by geography. Basically Mormonism was the sliced bread of Catholicism/Methodism/Lutheran:/evangelical/ etc.. After the Revolutionary war America took in people from all over the world, and therefore their religion- which was basically anything you want it to be; that’s the whole point of America, duh. But also Christopher Columbus made a big boo-boo and inhabited stolen property that is just as old and wise as Asia. Do you not realize that white man brought European beliefs to Western Indigenous culture. They came for religious freedom yet violently overthrew the spirit born from this land and decided to turn it into Europe 2.0. Europe minus the monarchy and the dark ages. Seriously how rude of us. We’ve completely infested this beautiful continent and literally fenced everyone out of it. Sure you can come in, but only as long as you’re paying for it. 

My genealogy goes back through the pioneers, the mayflower, and scattered throughout Europe. My own pioneer trek is through the metaphysical, an endless cycle of gathering and processing information. My collection of experiences in reality as well as in my soul has left me a bit wonky. Although I have been given a smorgasbord of people known as my blood relatives (where I do feel connected although that connection is waning as I come more into my own), I have always felt different- an outsider that could fit in but not completely. I have come to find people like me, but people like me have a hard time connecting to others so I guess I’ll try the internet? Jk… that’s dangerous. 

I’ve gone through a fundamental mental reset. I was not and still am not kind to myself. I literally bounce between mania and depression/loathing. It is a maniacal hell trap. Faith deconstruction is a mind fuck. The body dysmorphia and shame are enough to fuck you up for a while. 

Tell me why all the insomniacs are up having a total moment right now. It’s like we’re all shifting ✨ It’s currently 3:30 am. I’ve had a few sleep attempts, but nothing successful. Could have been the drinking coffee all day thing.