Sincerely, your highly sensitive friend.

 January 24, 2024     It's been made clear to me, over time and through conversations, that my brain health is ~not so slowly~ declining. I am sure there are studies proving a connection between mental illness and dimentia. Sprinkle in brain injuries like multiple concussions, and a rich maternal family history of alzheimers and dementia, and you get one foggy-brained thirty year old.     It is my pleasure then, to write to you- dear reader- so that my life may not go unnoticed or forgotten. I regret not writing more, especially during my college years, or even just writing about the happier times. As you have probably noticed by now, I am a sucker for psychological masochism. I like to psychoanalyze myself to prove there's something wrong with me. As if I can finally be who I want to be if only I can decipher what is wrong with me, and change it.  Here's the thing though, I dont actually need to change anything about myself, except for maybe my attitude to...

 Dear One,     I went on a date tonight. It was nice, he was attractive. Not quite my person though. I'm getting tired again. Like I told my friend, why do I feel like I can only have one? Pursue love or, pursue myself. Why can't I have both?     I know that the kind of love I'm looking for is that 'one of a kind' love. I wonder what you're doing now. Are you taking someone home? Can you tell they're not the one? Or is she? Have we already met and have you wiggled your way out of my hands? Do I know you? What will it feel like to meet in case we haven't? Will we know right away?     Do I have purpose beyond searching for you? Will I ever feel complete without you? When? What am I suppowed to do until then? Find me, soon. - R 

 January 20, 2024 How silly of me  to forget that I am  the love of my life.   One of the hardest lessons in love that I’ve had to learn is to let go. To let them leave when they showed me that they wanted to, or when they didn’t know if they wanted to stay. Over and over, time and time again, I have found myself begging anxiously for someone to stay. This of course is never said out loud, but is done so silently as I wait for them to ask me out again or reach out. The anxious attachment would refuse to give up on a connection that I felt strongly about. Yet, when the other person was no longer interested, instead of letting them go I clung to the wish that maybe one day they’d change their mind and come back to me.  Manipulation, control.. changing who I was out of fear and anxiety just so someone would like me?  An anxious attachment from early years of trauma and emotional neglect, coupled with being raised in a religious cult, created someone who lacked...

  “Next time you’re stressed:  take a step back, inhale and laugh.  Remember who you are and why you’re here.  You’re never given anything in this world that you can’t handle. Be strong, be flexible, love yourself, and love others.  Always remember, just keep moving forward.” – Unknown Never let other people's opinions of you create your reality, for it is in their own reality where they have insecurities about themselves, and now they're seeing them in you. Which is a true gift actually. For the ugly we see in others are just unloved parts of ourselves. And isn't that the journey of life? To bring love to every corner of our soul, even the places we've forgotten..

  Everyone deserves a grand gesture. But save yours for someone who will treasure it forever. ❤️   A few years ago after I failed to fix a toilet leak because I had to run to work, my roommate told me that I was a waste of air and I should kill myself. Yelled it at me actually. Recently someone who I am close to told me I am attracting negative attention from sexual predators and that my posts make me seem like I am desperate for approval. I’ve been told that I am “too dark to be around” and that people probably wouldn’t give me the time of day because of my condition. I’ve had 3 best friends tell me they can no longer be my friend because being around me was too hard for them.  I just want to let those people know that I thank them for their brutal honesty and that it’s lit a fire in my belly... my sacral and root chakras have been broken for so long because I’ve let others dictate my worth. I’ve found healing, and although these remarks sting and still hurt, they’ve ope...

  I’m very tired. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of people telling me it’ll get better, that I’m loved... it’s beating a dead horse at this point. I need someone to wake me up and teach me mechanisms and teach me how to love myself.   Sometimes I wonder if the life I’ve been building for myself in my head since i was little, is not actually meant to be for me. It’s a new level of breakdown when you realize you are nothing like you thought you were, and you have to rediscover yourself all over again. To recognize that you’ve been propelling your life towards something that is nothing BUT a dream, is earth shattering. Your sense of self worth obliterated, your self esteem and personal motivation gone, and your ability to do anything outside of your inner child’s comfort zone becomes crippling. Only few understand the heartbreak that is redefining yourself. 

  It’s important for the human soul to feel wanted. To feel needed. To know that without them someone would miss them intimately. That’s the biggest loss of a broken heart; to wonder if someone will ever want or need you again. 

 March 23, 2020 I envisioned a lot of wonderful things for the “adult version” of myself when I was young. I wanted to do so many things, travel to exotic places, and be someone everyone loved to be around. Instead, life had a different plan for me. I thought that when I’d turn 27 I’d be 1) married with a family, 2) rich and successful, and 3) hosting parties and ticking off items from my bucket list. Instead I    am 1a) single and have not had a relationship that lasted more than 7 months, 2a) broke, unable to hold down a job, and living in my brothers basement, and 3a) surviving with a mental disorder that makes it difficult to socialize, have fun, and generally be an functioning    human being.  I’m not going to lie. This is not what I wanted for myself and I truly had all the control to make things different for myself. But instead I just waited for things to happen to me, and watched time fly by. Do I have regrets? Not really... I’ve just learned A LOT...

 February 22, 2021 When you realize that different realities aren’t physical but mental- so when you are shifting into a new reality you are really seeing your same world with different eyes- and you can choose to see it however you want with your ✨intentions ✨& 🍃manifestations🍃 and basically be a completely different person which can make it feel like a different world. Only experienced drug users and meditators have experienced this, bc the natural man is so far from being able to attain these powers that they have to completely aligned their bodies mind & spirit with truth and love so that you can be aligned with the elements and they have to bend to your will because your will is truth and love and that makes sense to them so of course theyre gonna obey you. What do you think Jesus Christ did for 30 years before he started practicing miracles??? Meditation and aligning his spirit and body with the ✨beyond✨ aka universal, aka universal power and love, aka god but there...

 February 15, 2021 THIS MAKES ME VERY EMOTIONAL FOR 20 YEARS THIS WAS WHO I THOUGHT I WAS, AND    I DIDN’T KNOW MYSELF OUTSIDE OF MUSIC AND CHOIR AND THEATER.  I’VE DISAPPEARED FROM THIS SIDE OF THE WORLD AND THIS SIDE OF MYSELF FOR A VERY LONG TIME;  HEALING, DISCOVERING, AND    LEARNING WHAT LIFE WAS OUTSIDE OF IT. I HAD TO DISCONNECT BC MY BRAIN WAS BECOMING SO TOXIC    TOWARDS MYSELF THAT MY ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND OCD HIT AN ALL TIME LOW. IT’S OKAY TO TAKE BREAKS FOR YOURSELF EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT DON’T LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT YOU LOVE. OF WHAT MAKES YOU, YOU. COVID WAS A WELCOME RELIEF FOR ME BC EVERYTIME I PASSED UP AN AUDITION I WAS FILLED WITH SHAME AND GUILT FOR NOT USING MY TALENTS. THIS TIME CREATED A LOT OF HEALING AND I’M READY TO AT LEAST ATTEND SHOWS.  I’M HEARTBROKEN THAT THEATER BECAME A TOXIC PLACE FOR ME. EVEN WHEN I WENT TO SHOWS MY DIRECTOR /CRITIC BRAIN WOULD NOT SHUT OFF AND I WOULD SPEND THE ENTIRE SHOW FINDING FLA...

 October 8, 2021 Why is change uncomfortable? Usually when we see something and feel uncomfortable, it’s because we don’t understand it. So maybe we’re supposed to give up our control and knowledge of what we know, to experience change and growth that is uncomfortable. We let the universe guide and run the show and we are merely and uncomfortable passenger. We can deduce that the uncomfortable feeling of change is a mental hesitation to accept it. We must embrace the unknown and let change happen upon us, relinquishing any sense of control. Once we’ve settled there, we can find peace in change. Once we’ve accepted inevitable change, we can find understanding. Once we’ve understood, there is comfort.  What’s it like having bipolar disorder? Hating myself and then loving myself and then hating myself and ahh oop i love myself again what’s this?

  10/16/21 My cells become alive  When i a high  I love myself a little more  I’ll even be your little whore  To whom doth I belong  The darkness or the light  Neither pulls and neither gives  While I am getting high  My brains on fire  My guts desire  When I’m not getting high  The shadow swallows  My heart is hollow  On days I can’t get high  The Other permits My soul to ride; Is it safer if I die? I am trapped  In this sack  Of skin, when I’m not high.  The mask I wear  Weighed down by fear  Is freed when I get high  My mind is free; No longer tied  Bound to the other   I become when I am high.  Freedom takes  It’s undo course  Inhabits new captivity  

October 16, 2021   I can’t call my dad, he’s in a cult. Following an ideal is the downfall of humanity. We are chasing an idea of what life should be like instead of looking within and making opinions of our own that resonate on a cellular level.  If i told my parents they were in a cult it would destroy them. What may be a cult to you is another’s way of life.  Being a part of one of the most successful cults in American history- the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- and the eventual collapse that leaving brought to my life, opened up a labyrinth of trauma that’s stained every layer of my system and has proved very devastating to try to heal.  I want people to know that recovering from religious trauma is a different type of trauma. It is a specific type of trauma that impacts the neural networking of your thought processes; and discovering what your true pathways are can create symptoms of, disassociation, paranoia, self-loathing, and others consistent w...

 October 30, 2021 I just realized something about gender. Our eternal soul, our higher consciousness, our higher being etc., is non-binary. Our soul can not be limited to a physical form. We were given our form when we entered this level of being- this life journey that is a necessary part of our evolution. Some experience a body dysphoria; a side effect of not feeling like you fit entirely with the body that was given to you. When you are farther away from enlightenment it is easy to be distracted by this world- that is constantly trying to pull us away from the light source. As you come closer to love, the one true power source, you begin understand and physical concepts become fluid, evolving, and a tool. Your body was given as a tool to be used to access the divine, which is found within you. As we be still, and search deep within we can transport to our universal purpose .  I think I’m an addict. 

 November 9, 2021 Colossal waste of my time. About an hour and a half in I decided to just sit back and relax and play along. It seemed like the entire theater was over it- so many people were walking in and out of it… the plot changed so much and there were unnecessary character developments and backstories. Please, marvel, be done. Please stop making these- there will always be something bigger and better out there, but that means you have to hire big and better actors, writers, and directors. There were a few main characters that acted as a stretch role for certain actors- and yes, there is one of everything like all movies nowadays. We get it, the universe is deep and all inclusive. Focus on your script and plot before giant scenes with lots of confusing extras. Also, while you’re at it, you don’t have to add things. Not all cinematic layouts work, and when you switch styles so often it becomes gratuitous in the name of “i can do this just because i can” instead of “let me tell...

 I love film.  I love movies, I love watching tv, and i can scroll through Tik Tok for hours. I didn’t really watch TV until I was 8sh. Whatever age third or fourth grade is. We didn’t realize it at the time, but by the time my younger sister and I were old enough to be left alone we would watch tv after school. We figured nobody knew since our older sisters were usually practicing the piano below and my mom, who had started to undergo monthly transfusions would be taking a nap on the family room couch. She was always sleeping on the couch, at time without any sort of blanket or covering (aka the power naps while dinner is cooking).  My mom. That’s a story for another day. Back to tv. My sister is 5 years younger than me, and since she was one of the only friends I had, I ended up watching animated kids tv; not the cool kind, the PBS channel. Arthur started at 3-4pm. We had early release school on Tuesdays and/or Thursdays, so if we got there in time there was Sagwa at 23...